It’s been a year and a half since I wrote anything, at least anything I wanted to share in this space. One would think the pandemic gave me the opportunity to step it up. But, like so many others, I settled.
Settled in.
Settled for.
Settled on.
Settled.
Like a dog circling its bed until it finally plops down to sleep, I fell into a routine. Wake up, log on to work from home until the workday is finished. Then I’d binge Mad Men or Breaking Bad for the — let’s see…how many times? — and when I was tired enough, I’d close the laptop, move the dishes from my bed to the dishwasher, and turn in, only to start it all over the next day. I’d become a Dave Matthews Band song.
If David Foster Wallace was right about cliches earning their status, I most assuredly became one. And it’s carried on well into post-lockdown life.
Over the past several months, via several varied personality assessments, the most recent being at work just yesterday, I was reminded of my true self:
Myers-Briggs
“…many [INFP’s] (that’s me) dream of becoming writers. They might write novels, seek out interesting freelance niches, or even find themselves doing communications in a corporate field or for a nonprofit organization.”
Enneagram
“…unsurprisingly, type 4’s (also me) are likely to excel in creative careers where they express emotions in forms of art. Examples of such careers include artists, photographers, writers…”
Jungian Archetypes
“This (my) type of character is typically represented as a kind and wise, older father-type figure who uses personal knowledge of people and the world to help tell stories and offer guidance that, in a mystical way, may impress upon his audience a sense of who they are and who they might become…”
I’ve always known this about myself. I suspect others have as well. The only thing that has piqued my interest enough to unsettle my typically serene persona is the idea of telling stories, specifically through acting and writing. But, even when I see any movement in that direction, I do something to undercut myself.
Two memories from my youth are seared into my brain like the still visible scar on my knee from a biking mishap forty years ago.
I was in the sixth grade, spending a lot of time during a free hour writing a play with my friend Michael. It must have been too much time because it was brought up on a progress report. The entire venture was quickly shut down and I was told in no uncertain terms no more time would be spent writing plays.
As a junior in high school, a play featuring many of my friends caught my attention, and I knew I had to be part of the drama program. The desire was short-lived after being told drama programs were for those on the fringes of the high school community and not something I was allowed to do.
These two events, more than anything, shaped my life choices. As I reflect on squandered creative opportunities, the choices to abandon them — influenced by what one author called my “kid-life crisis” — are mine. But, these choices led me to live an exceedingly mediocre professional life.
Now, understand. While my developing adolescent brain was shaped by these events, it has always been my responsibility to find a way to go against the instinct that I am not worthy of pursuing creative expression. As my superego dukes it out with my creative spirit, I must decide how to overcome my negative self-talk.
I have a deal with the Universe to be a centenarian, which means I’ve almost wrapped up the first decade of the last half of my life. As I continue to be the person I was always intended to be, I plan to rise above the mundanity of my past professional life and move toward my potential.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
If you’re interested in learning about your Myers-Briggs type, go here.
If you want to learn more about the Enneagram, go here.
If you want to find out about your Jungian archetype, go here.
reylo: 
I loved your new blog. To be honest with you, I thought you were writing my story. I had similar experiences growing up. But mine started with a priest making fun of the way I looked. That was the beginning of me feeling unworthy, self-conscious, and pretty much giving up on my dreams. I was 7-8 years old. I’ve had a false narrative since. I want to tell you, Rey, that you have talents and skills that I wish I had honed long ago. I’m 61 now and just started writing a couple of years ago. The first book didn’t sell well at all, but I did it. I’ve since written 6 children’s books and am writing another with my friend about our childhood. This has brought me immense satisfaction. If writing is what you want to do, sit down and start writing. By the way, Bird by Bird changed my mindset about writing and my disappointed feelings about the first book. Thank you for sending it to me. In these last couple of months I learned a whole lot about why I’m the way I am through John Witte’s program “Istoria Project.” I went through the program one on one with Andre, who is licensed to teach the program. It was an eye opener. And that program softened Andre’s heart. He’s a different person. Perhaps it’s something you might explore. Rey, I’ve always looked up to you and admired you. I would love to see you happy and doing the things you were born to do. You deserve it and the world needs it. Take care my friend! Eladio Garcia