I’ve read that we fall in love three times in our lives, with each relationship teaching us what we need to learn at that stage of life. The first love usually hits us as adolescents when we think we know everything and believe this will be our forever love. The second time is complex and comes with much struggle, pain, and hardship. The third one is the one that lasts.

I would not limit the number of times a person falls in love, but I agree that romantic and platonic relationships can help us grow if we’re open and attentive to what’s going on.

In “We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime — Each One for a Specific Reason,” LJ Herman, former editor of Love What Matters, writes that the third love we experience “usually looks all wrong for us, and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be…where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.”

My “first love” came in high school. It was, to say the least, intense. But that’s a story for another time.

As far as “second loves” go, I’ve had two or three. Looking back on each of them, I see they were all filled with ups and downs, struggles, disagreement, misunderstanding, manipulation, and heartache- lots and lots of heartache.

When it comes to falling in love a second time, Herman nails it again. He describes it as a repeating cycle that is “unhealthy, unbalanced, or narcissistic” and marked by “high levels of drama.” He asserts we can become addicted to this kind of relationship and that we will keep fighting for it without ever asking if it’s even worth fighting for.

He’s not wrong.

I clung to my last relationship, always hoping that the next cycle would break us from repeating behaviors. But we always ended up back where we started, and I became increasingly distressed with each revolution.

One could argue that I waited so long to let go because I was afraid I might never find love again. To be fair, that is a distinct possibility. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when the last one started, and that sentiment remains. I’m content with myself and life as a single person.

I will always enjoy local music over almost all big-name concerts. I’m content to sit in a coffee shop where I can read, write, or talk with a new stranger or an old friend. I’ll binge Mad Men or Better Call Saul a seventh time before watching whatever the latest trending show is. I’m more inclined to catch Sean Baker’s latest film over the most recent tentpole from the big studios. All of this is to say that I’m an odd bird. I’m quirky and enjoy things that aren’t everybody’s cup of tea.

As a romantic, I love the idea of Herman’s “third love” that will knock me off my feet. But I’m also okay if it never happens to me.

Someone once told me that when a relationship ends, it’s a good rule of thumb to take a month for every year of the relationship to heal, reflect, and grow before entering into another. I’ve found that to be a good idea.

I’m open to whatever the Universe has planned, but I’m also not looking to get into anything else in this lifetime. I am, however, very committed to taking the lessons learned over the last five and a half years and seeing this as an opportunity for progress and growth.

While I and the person I’ve been with for the last several years have very different perspectives on what ultimately went wrong, I am grateful for our time together, and I have nothing but respect and love for her.

Now it’s time to do the inner work, discover my voice, and determine how I can best live in a manner that is true to who I am and positively contributes to the world around me.